


A Very Special Christmas

by StormyBear30



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M, Queer as Folk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-12
Updated: 2011-03-12
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A holiday challenge<br/>Must include:<br/>1. A secret<br/>2. A surprise visitor<br/>3. A song that has to do with the holiday being celebrated (eg. "Jingle Bells" for Christmas)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Special Christmas

“I want to tell them Mikey” I heard Brian speak as we lay in each other’s arms…basking in the after glow of having just made love. I could feel my heart literally stop pounding in my chest for the briefest of moments…can feel the blood turn into rivers of ice in my veins as he continued to stare at me with those beautiful hazel eyes. I knew it was coming…it always did after times like those and at the beginning it was easy to dodge these statements…but six months after our first coming together it was getting harder and harder to avoid it.

“We’ve already had this discussion Brian and we came to the decision that we were going to wait” I reminded him…trying to snuggle into the crevice of his neck as sleep began to encroach me. He…however was having other ideas as he jerked his frame completely away from me.

“You…you made that decision” he bit back…completely removing himself from the bed as he went in search for his clothes that were scattered all over my tiny bedroom.

“Brian…where are you going?” I cried out in anger as I crawled off the bed myself…grabbing him by the arm as he rushed towards the closed door. “Wait…don’t do this. Jesus…you know that I am not ready to tell anyone about us just yet”

“No you wait” he screamed…turning to face me with a look of pure upset sprawled across his normally handsome face. “I’m tired of hiding the way that I feel about you…tired of hiding the fact that we are now lovers. Christ…you’d think that you’d be singing from the rafters at the idea of letting everyone know that you tamed the wild beast known as Kinney. I gave up everything to be with you Michael” his cries got louder…his index finger poking painfully against my bare chest. “I have given up my whole identity in order to love you. I allowed the walls that I have been hiding behind to come crashing down around me because of you. I can even say those three little words that I was never able to say before because I long to see the look in your eyes every time that you hear them from me. I love you Michael…but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep hiding in the shadows waiting until you are ready. I may love you Michael…but I won’t hide anymore. If you love me and want to continue to be my lover then the time is now. It’s time to face the music and tell everyone…including your big mouthed mother about us”

“Brian…please it’s too soon. I…”

“Too soon…too soon” I could tell that his irritation factor with me was about to surpass his limit because not only was he calling me Michael…but he was also about to make himself bald as he continuously ran his hands through his hair. “Jesus fucking Christ…Ben has been gone for over nine months now. I don’t’ know why you fucking care what everyone else thinks anyways since he is the one who left you in the middle of the night without so much as a fucking goodbye”

He was right and I knew he was right. Ben had left in the middle of the night as I slept soundly in the bed we had shared together for the previous two years. Our relationship had been on severely rocky ground at that point in time…but never in my worst nightmares did I expect to wake up one morning and find all traces of him gone. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face that he was leaving. No…instead he took the cowards way out and left me a fucking note. I can still remember every word…every line of his perfectly formed penmanship for it is forever ingrained within my minds eye.

Dear Michael…  
This has been the hardest letter that I have ever had to write in my life. It tears at my very soul as I try to somehow come up with the words to express to you just how much I love you on a single sheet of paper. I love you so much Michael…love you in ways that I could never have thought I could love someone else…but I do. Being with you…being your lover these last two years has been the greatest blessing that could have ever been bestowed upon me. I praise Buddha every night for having the sense of bringing you into my life…for you alone were my saving grace on more then one occasion. However the truth of the matter is that no matter how much I love you…I can’t be with you any longer. Please don’t misinterpret those words for they are not meant to be read in anger or resentment…but out of utter need. I know that you are confused but in plain and simple terms I have to follow my calling. Since my last health scare the urge to travel to Tibet has intensified. I know that you gave me permission to go…and I will forever love you for that but I am so weak when it comes to you. I know that as sure as I am writing this if I were to try and tell you face to face that I would fail and never get to live my dream.

Please understand Michael that nothing…not even these urges will ever change the love that I hold for you…that I will continue to hold for you until my last breath. Despite the fact that it kills my very soul to write this…I want you to find happiness again. I want you to forget about me and move on with you life…even if that moving on entails Brian Kinney. I am begging you to love someone as unconditionally as I will always love you for I fear that I will not make it back from this trip of my lifetime. I love you Michael…love you from the very depths of my heart and my soul and I pray for the day that you and I may see each other again. Loving you for always…Ben

“Michael” I heard Brian’s voice call out to me…forcing me away from the day when I thought my heart had died for the final time. “Michael are you fucking listening to me?” his cries only got louder and as he grabbed onto my arms and began to shake me slightly for emphasis.

“I love you Brian…isn’t that enough?” I respond…jerking out of the grasp he had on me as I fell frustrated backwards onto the bed. “Jesus haven’t we been through enough already to actually go out and ask for more shit from our friends and family” I tried to defend my actions…but even I knew that he wasn’t going to fall for it and I was grasping at straws anyways.

“Do you think it is enough?” he returned in awe as he stood there with a dumbfounded look upon his face. “DO YOU” he repeated angrier as he strode over to where I continued to sit unspeaking. “Do you think that its enough to only be able to hold you…kiss you…love you when were are in the privacy of your apartment or my loft?” he went on his eyes burning into my very soul. “Do you like hiding the way that we feel about each other…because I hate it. I hate the fact that I can’t touch you in public for fear that someone may figure out our deep dark secret. I hate the fact that I have to watch the Smidt’s cooing and awing over each other…but I can’t do the same to you. Why is it so bad for me to want to hold your hand out in public…to kiss you in public…to fucking hold you in public?” his questions continued…the decibel level getting louder and louder. “Maybe your ashamed to let the world know that you and I are more then just best friends or maybe you don’t love me in the way that I love you”

“Brian that’s not true” I gushed out in extreme shock as I lunged off of the bed…wrapping my arms around his neck. “I love you so much…you have to know that. My god Brian…I have loved you for the last twenty years of my life. How can you say that I don’t love you the way that you love me?” tears threatened my eyes as I placed my hands along the textured softness of his face…kissing him gently upon his pursed lips. “I love you Brian and I will always love you” I vowed…kissing him once again but this time with an increased urgency. I felt his hesitation at first…but he soon fell into that kiss as I sneakily tried to maneuver him back towards my bed. He…however was not having any of that as he forcefully broke our shared lip lock…glaring down at me with such anger that I was forced to take a step back.

“Prove it” were his simple words as he once again began to gather his clothing.

“Huh…” was my articulate response.

“I mean it Michael. If you love me as much as you say you love me then prove it. I’ll give you the time that you need…but I won’t wait forever” and with that said he was gone.

After that night Brian and I rarely saw or spoke to each other for almost a week. I was a bumbled mess as I pretended that everything was fine in front of everyone that knew me…when it was so far from the truth. I was angry…I was upset…but more then anything I was frightened that I had fucked things up once and for all with the man whom I loved with every fiber of my being. At weeks end I was tired of the lies…tired of being ignored by the man who claimed to love me…but more then anything I was tired of having to explain to everyone why Brian refused to even look at me when we came into contact with each other. To make matters worse it was Christmas time. A time when people are supposed to embrace their love for each other…but instead we were denying it.

“Hey kiddo” I heard my mother call out over my shoulder as I sat at the counter of the diner…picking at the piece of pie she had practically forced me to eat. I already knew whom she was speaking to without even having to turn around. Brian and I had this sense when it came to each other…even before we became lovers. However…after making love for the first time it was as if the power of our coming together only intensified this sense. “Pull up a seat and I will get your order in a minute” Slowly I turned to face the man who was looking at me with such a blank look upon his face that I felt as if I was going to burst into tears as he sat three stools down from me. “What the hell are you doing sitting all the way down there for?” I heard her bark at Brian once she came back to take his order. “Get your ass over there and sit next to your best friend” she went on pointing to the stool next to mine.

“I’m fine right here” was his simple reply as he picked up a nearby menu and pretended to look at it. “You know what Deb I seem to have lost my appetite” he spoke snidely…looking directly as me as he tossed the menu back upon the counter…pulling him self from off of the stool.

“Hold it…” she called out towards his retreating figure…stopping him dead in his tracks. “Get your ass back over here” she demanded…pounding her fist upon the counter for emphasis before pointing at the empty stool next to me. “Park it” her demands continued as he did as she said and sat besides me. He didn’t say a word…didn’t even turn to look at me as he glared up at my mother in wait for what she had coming next. “So what the fuck is going on between you two assholes now” she didn’t disappoint as she pointed a bright red nail between the two of us.

“Nothing” we both said in unison…laughing slightly at the surround sound answer that she had received.

“Good…” she beamed…pinching us both upon our cheeks. “Because I don’t want anything to ruin our Christmas plans for tomorrow”

“Um…actually I don’t think that I can make it tomorrow” Brian spoke quickly…glancing out of the corner of his eye at me as he gauged my reaction to his words. If he wanted a reaction he sure got one as the fork that had been dangling from my lips crashed loudly on top of the countertop.

“What…” it was my mother and I who now sang out our surprise in stereo as we both gaped at the man before us.

“But you’ve never missed a Novotny Christmas” my mother stammered still in shock as she began to tug nervously at one of her shiny earrings hanging from her ear. “Brian…you are part of the family and…”

“Well this year I got invited to spend the holidays with another family” he cut her off…jerking the leather gloves I had bought for him the previous Christmas onto his clenched hands.

“Another family?” I barely whispered…afraid that I already knew the answer.

“Justin is spending Christmas with Jennifer and her new husband and they asked me to join them” was his smug reply as he turned to face me fully…his eyes so full of hurt anger that I had pull my own eyes away from them for fear of getting burned. “So it seems that the Novotny family Christmas will have to go on without me this year” Tears threatened my eyes as I watched him once again pull his frame from off of the stool in an attempt to flee my mother and I”

“Hold it…” her angered voice wafted through the crowded diner again as she practically ran over to where Brian stood glued to the spot he had stopped in. “I happen to know for a fact that Jennifer…Donald and Justin are spending the holidays in Europe and you are not invited. I also know that this is a time for family to be together and you are part of this family. I don’t care whatever little quarrel you and my son are dealing with this week…but get the @#%$ over it already. I expect you to be at my house no later then two o’clock Brian Kinney…do you hear me?” she questioned…hands of hips as she awaited his reply.

“Tomorrow at two…got it” he responded plainly as he turned and looked at me with such a sad look upon his face that once again I had to fight the urge to break down right there in front of everyone.

“Fabulous” she grinned…standing up on her tiptoes as she planted a huge red lipsticked kiss upon his cheek. “Oh Jesus…” she cried out…wiping the gooey mess from off of his cheek. “Dealing with the two of you has made me late to go and pick up Michael’s present” she screeched as she raced back around the counter…grabbing her purse as she raced past us once again. “Oh baby…I can’t wait for you to open your present from me tomorrow” she laughed freely…pinching my cheeks once again before kissing me upon their redness. “It is absol-fucking-lutely the best present of all time. You are just going to think that I am the best mother in the world afterwards” I watched in awe as she literally ran out of the diner…leaving us stunned in her wake.

“I wish that I knew what she was up to” I spoke softly…giggling despite the obvious tension lying between the two of us. “Because I am sure that it will probably be something that I will…”

“Michael…don’t do this” I heard him say…cutting me off before I had a chance to finish my sentence.

“Don’t do what Brian?” I replied innocently…knowing full well what the “this” entailed.

“Don’t pretend like nothing happened between us” was his simple and brutally put remark. “Don’t act like everything is fine in the land of Michael and Brian…because it’s the furthest thing from the truth”

“Jesus Brian…it’s Christmas” I pointed out…removing myself from the stool as I made my way over to where he continued to stand. “Can’t we just forget about what happened the other night and focus on other things for now…like the holidays” I whined…trying to take his hand into my own.

“No Michael…that isn’t how real life works. I can’t just pretend that nothing happened the other night…because something did happen” he cried out in hushed upset. “I laid my heart and soul out to you and because of your silly fear you rebuked me. So forgive me if I don’t live in your little fantasy world were you can just forgive and forget…because I sure as hell can’t” and with that said he stormed out of the diner…leaving me alone and tearful once again.

 

Christmas Day…

It was nearly three o’clock when Brian arrived to our over full house. There was no denying that he was either high…drunk or maybe a little of both as he stumbled into the over crowded living room. Protests were heard loud and clear as he rudely attempted to sit down between Emmett and Ted who were sitting on the couch…knocking Ted to the floor in his clumsy process. Bickering echoed around us as the two of them began a sparing match that soon got out of hand as Brian once again pushed him to the floor once he had situated himself back upon the couch. “Where the hell have you been?” I heard my mother bellow beside me…hands on hips once she entered the living room…finding her extremely late guest grinning smugly as Ted continued to sit upon the hard floor. “I swear to hell Brian if my turkey is over cooked because of your being late then there is going to be hell to pay” her voice boomed loudly around the small room as she called everyone to the dinner table. “Michael help your drunk ass friend up off the couch and get him to the table”

I did as she asked as I made my way over to where he sat in silence just looking up at me. “I’m already in hell” he whispered against my ear as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder in an attempt to pull him from off of the couch…but he had other ideas as he pushed me away. I don’ think that he realized his own strength or maybe he did as I went flying backwards into the gaudily trimmed Christmas tree…nearly knocking it to the floor. “Don’t you fucking touch me” he growled under his breath…just loud enough for the two of us to hear. “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again” Tears once again threatened my eyes as I straightened myself as well as the wayward Christmas tress as much as I could before making my way…heavy hearted towards the overflowing table.

Dinner was a nightmare as Brian continued to ignore me…drowning his anger at me in numerous glasses of wine. However…it was I who was a near fall down mess as I picked at my over full plate…not really in the mood for much of anything except to maybe bawl my eyes out. I was tired of that whole day…tired of my closest friends and family acting all strange around me…but most importantly I was tired of the heaviness within my chest as Brian continued to act as if I didn’t exist. I was ready to bolt after dinner as I rushed through the clearing of the table so I could make my escape. But once again mother dearest had other ideas as she forced me to stay for dessert. Halfway through dessert the doorbell rang as the chatter of the room went deadly silent. “Michael why don’t you go and answer the door honey” my mother said with a huge grin across her face as he urged me towards the door. I didn’t know what she was up to…but as I turned the knob and slowly opened the door I somehow knew that I wasn’t going to like it.

“Merry Christmas Michael” an extremely large looking Santa Claus spoke to me…wrapping his arm around my waist as he led me back inside. I was to tired to fight it as he fell back onto a curiously vacant chair…pulling me into his lap once he had. “So Michael” the Santa continued to speak. “Your mother here tells me that you have been a very good boy this year” he chuckled in a deep voice. It was a voice I could have sworn that even in its disguised state I could have sworn I had heard before.

“Yeah…” was my weary response as I graced the grinning Santa with as much as a smile as I could muster. “I’ve been a good boy this year” I replied. An irritated huff from Brian was to be heard by everyone as he crossed his arms over his chest…ignoring me as he stared off into the Christmas tree.

“God…I’ve missed you Michael” Santa spoke next as he ripped his hat and his beard from off of his face…revealing a grinning Ben in his place.

“Holy shit…” I exclaimed in shock and fright as I literally flew from off of his lap as if he had burned me. I felt the room around me begin to spin as I pulled my shocked eyes away from the man who had broken my heart almost a year ago with his departure…laying them on the one who was then breaking my heart with his need for discloser. His eyes were huge and expressive as he sat upon the couch once again between Emmett and Ted who were beaming from ear to ear. His mouth was hanging open as if in an attempt to protest…but yet not a sound came from his lips. I wanted to run to him…wanted to pull him into my arms and kiss away his shock and obvious pain…but it seemed that Ben had the same idea. With quick measures he locked his arms around my waist…pulling me tauntly against his body as he leaned down and plastered his grinning lips upon my stunned ones.

I tried to fight him…I mean I wanted to…but as the memories of everything we had shared prior to that day rained over me with that kiss I found that I was almost impossible to deny it. That feeling however did not last long as other memories…memories of another took hold of me. They were memories of the greatest love of my life…the only man whom I would ever…could ever truly love. “I’m getting the fuck out of here” I heard that same mans voice scream in utter anger and betrayal behind me as I tried to push Ben as far away from me as I could.

“Brian…” I cried out against Ben’s demanding lips as they once again tried to consume me…but I wasn’t having it as I summoned all the strength that I had and shoved him with all my might. “Brian…wait” I called out towards the retreating figure of the man who was making an attempt to literally run out of my life. With quick and determined strides I grabbed his hand with my own…threading my fingers within his slender ones as I led him back into the center of the living room. “I have an announcement to make” I spoke clearly and loudly for I wanted to ensure that every single person in that room heard what I was about to say. My heart was beating so loudly within my chest that I just knew that every damn person in there could hear it…but as I gazed into the loving eyes of the man who I loved wholly I knew that I had to continue because they had to know the truth. “I love Brian” I stated plainly…unable to stop the smile that wound its way across my lips as I continued to gaze into hazel eyes so full of love as they looked back at me.

“Well no shit Sherlock…” I heard my mother grunt from across the living room. “Who the fuck didn’t already know that. But what does…”

“I love Brian and he loves me” I butted in…cutting her off in mid sentence for I knew that once she got started there was no stopping her. “And we have been lovers for the last six months” I could hear the stunned gasps of shock rolling around us as my words began to fully sink in. I just ignored them because although I loved them all in my own way…nothing was more important to me then Brian as I gauged his reaction. His smile said it all as he literally beamed pure joy and happiness and it was at the exact moment that I understood the meaning of those words in reference to the Christmas spirit. With our hands still wound together tightly he quickly bridged the gap between us…pulling me into his arms as he inhaled my all too willing lips under his own. The world around us slowly disappeared as we gave into the emotions of that very moment as we continued to share our first outed kiss. However…as usual my mother had other ideas as she grabbed a handful of hair within her hand and literally jerked me away from my lover. She ignored my cries of pain as she dragged me over to where Ben continued to stand unspeaking. I watched the look of once pure joy that covered Brian face turn into extreme anger as he proceeded to take a step towards my incensed mother…but with a nod and a look from me he quickly pulled back. **Thank you** I spoke with my eyes as I shared a small smile with him before turning my attention back towards my ranting mother.

“You have a lot of fucking explaining to do Michael Charles Novotny” she bellowed directly within my face…her eyes blazing with nothing but pure anger. “Ben flew all the way from Tibet to be with you and this is how you repay him” she spat out…leaving my side as she went over to the man who had still not said a word since my grand announcement. “I think that you at least owe someone in this room an explanation and an apology”

“Your right I do owe someone in this room an apology” I agreed with my mother as I took a step towards the one man whom I needed to explain myself and my actions to. “I’m sorry Brian” I spoke truthfully as I once again took him hands into my own. “I am sorry for forcing us to hide the love that we feel for each other…but I was scared” He didn’t say a word as I continued to stand before him pouring my very soul out to him. “After two failed relationships I was afraid to bring ours to light for fear of eventually losing you too” My words continued as tears misted my eyes. “Because the truth of the matter is Brian is that you are my everything. I live…breath and sleep you. Without you in my life I have nothing and I was petrified that something would go wrong…that you would realize that you made a mistake and leave me like everyone else I have loved has in the past” He tried to speak but I wouldn’t allow him as I placed my fingers gently across his lips. “I now realize that I was wrong. That you are not either one of those men…that you have been beside me through thick and through thin from the first moment we became friends. I know that you love me Brian and will always love me even if things between us don’t work out the way that we hope for them too. I was stupid to ever doubt you for a minute Brian and I hope that you can forgive me and know that I love you so very much”

“I love you too Mikey” was his tear filled remark as he once again pulled me into the strongness of his arms…just content to hold me as we made a lame attempt to pull our selves together.

“OMG…I am so happy for you two” Emmett’s voice sang happily around us as he jumped up and down…hands clapping loudly together as he danced around us. Before either one of us had a chance to respond I was being engulfed deep within his embrace…having no choice but to jump up and down with him or face being jumped upon. With a quick kiss upon my cheek he went in search of my lover…chasing him around the room at Brian tried like hell to escape the scary love of Emmett. I couldn’t help the carefree laugh that expelled from my lips and I continued to watch the scene play out before me…but it was soon cut short at the sight I caught at the other end of the house.

“I’m sorry Ben…I had no idea” I head my mother speak sadly as she rubbed him arm soothingly as he stared at the floor at his feet. I watched as he played with the fluffy Santa hat held between strong hands that once used to make me feel so safe and so warm. Neither said a word to me once I came upon their shared conversation…only stared at me each with confusion in their eyes.

“I’m sorry Ben” I spoke softly…not sure of what I was going to say to him…but knowing that I had to say something. He didn’t say a word…just looked at me with those blue eyes of his that always reminded me of the bluest sea. “I never meant to hurt you…but you have to understand that I can’t be with you any longer. Please don’t misinterpret those words for they are not meant to be read in anger or resentment…but out of utter need. I know that you are confused but in plain and simple terms I have to follow my calling” I repeated words he has written to me before he had left me devastated…placing a final ending that was meant only for me. “And that calling is to be by Brian’s side as his lover for the rest of my life” Nodding his head in understanding…he leaned down and kissed me softly upon my cheek uttering words that put a smile on my face and brought a tear to my eye.

“You deserve to be happy Michael and I know that Brian is the only one who can” Tears rained from my eyes as he graced me with a final smile of acceptance.

“Everything ok over here” I heard Brian whisper softly behind me as he wrapped his arms snuggly around my waist…leaning his chin upon my shoulder.

“Everything just fine” Ben spoke for the both of us as he reached out his hand towards Brian. I could feel his body stiffen as he continued to hold me tightly against his body…but as I graced him with a small smile from over my shoulder as the tension quickly left him. I watched as the man who at one time had been such a s huge part of my life and the one who would forever consume my very soul shake hands in a bond of understanding. “Take care of him Brian” Ben spoke sadly as he looked between the two of us. “Love him without question and by all means don’t ever be stupid enough to let him go”

“I will” was his simple response as he once again tightened the hold that he held around my waist…kissing me lovingly upon my check. “I will…” his words repeated again as together we watched Ben say good bye to each of our holiday guests before exiting the room as well as my life forever. “Think that he will be ok” he questioned me as we stared at the closed door he had just exited. “I mean I can’t imagine what he is going through after realizing that he lost you for good…because I know if it were me and…”

“I’m not going anywhere” I assured as I turned myself within his arms…my arms instinctively winding themselves around his neck as I gazed up into eyes of saddened fear. “We have finally found the love that we have always held for each other. Do you honestly think that I am going to just let it go so easily. I love you Brian…always have…always will…remember?” I reminded him as I kissed him softly upon his lips.

“Always have…always will” he repeated happily…kissing me in pure surrender.

“Alright you two…you have a lot of explaining to do and we want all the details” we heard Emmett screech behind us…jerking us apart as he led us back towards the living room where everyone had congregated for a much sought after response.

“Jesus…I’m tired” I heard Brian whine a few hours later at his loft after finally breaking free of the interrogation being thrown at us by our friends and family.

“Oh really…” I teased…straddling his hips from where he sat eyes closed upon the couch. “Well that’s too bad really…” my tauntings continued as I playfully pouted in such a way that I knew it would have him eating out of my hand. “I mean…I had this whole huge making love under the Christmas tree idea in mind…but if your that tired then maybe we should get you to bed…old man” The look on his face was priceless as he first stared at me in shock…but then that infamous Brian Kinney gleam replaced that look as he practically pushed me from off of his lap…jerking us into a standing position. “Changed your mind” I laughed…smacking him playfully upon his lean ass…my hands lingering as I pulled him towards my heated body.

“You get the wine from out of the fridge” he nearly growled as he nuzzled my neck with his nose…nipping at the soft skin almost painfully as he pushed me away…scooting off towards the stereo. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face as I selected one of Brian’s favorite bottles of wine. Humming some random Christmas carol I grabbed two wine glasses as I made my way back into the living room…my breath catching in my throat at the sight that I saw. The lights were off…the lighted Christmas tree the only source of light around us. Oversized pillows covered one section of the floor before the tree…marking the place where Brian and I would have our long awaited reunion. I caught his shadow out of the corner of my eye as he made his way over to where I continued to stand in awed silence. “Dance with me Mikey” he said…taking the wine and glasses from my hand as he placed them upon the coffee table. I could only look up at him in loving splendor as he guided me into his arms where I would be for always.

“There’s no music” I giggled against his chest where my head lay. I felt his arm leave me for the briefest of seconds as he fidgeted with the remote of the stereo…before once again winding its way around my waist. Confusion filled me as a slow and bitter Christmas ballad of wistful love began to waft around us. It was a sad song…a song that spoke to my very core as he laid his head upon the top of my own and began to sway our bodies to the music. I had no idea why Brian thought this heartbreaking song was supposed to be romantic…but as I looked up into his eyes I knew that there was a special meaning behind those haunting words.

***Did you ever really start to cry over something you just wrote? Well I'm writing you, my dear St. Nick, it's the saddest little note. Is it fair come this Christmas Eve that I should be alone, when she knows how much I'm missing her, would you kindly bring her home?

This boy's letter to Santa Claus it's gonna tear him up,  
when he reads how much I'm missing her it's gonna tear him up.  
I'm sure if all his reindeers could arrange room on his sleigh  
then I'd receive a big bright package and she'd be mine today.

I'll be missing you come Christmas, wishing hard, my dear,  
missing you come Christmas, wishing you were here.

Did you ever really start to cry over something that was said?  
Well, I'm writing you, dear Santa, it's the saddest thing you ever read.***

“Brian” I whispered his name as a look of lost came over his handsome features.

At first he didn’t respond…only continued to gaze across the room with that same far away look…but he soon brought his attention back to me as he began to speak with tears in his eyes. “I walked into a record store at the mall one day a few years ago and I heard this song playing in the background. At first I was annoyed that instead of the peppy…corny songs that they usually play to get you in the mood to shop this was playing instead…but as I listened to the words they literally began to tear at my heart” he spoke sadly…pulling me tighter into his arms.

“Why?” I questioned…still listening to the painful words and yet not understanding why they would have the affect that they had on him…still seemed to be having on him.

“Because every Christmas before this one I would wonder and wait to see if this was going to be the year that either one of us got over our stupidity and realized that we belonged together. Because I wanted to spend each and every Christmas with you and only you. Because despite what my demeanor screamed at you from the outside…I wanted nothing more then to be your lover…your partner. To celebrate the Christmas holidays…like we are tonight with the only man who I would ever love. I used to think that if there was a Santa and he had received a letter like this from me that he would deliver you to my very door. I used to dream about what it would be like to make love to you under the Christmas tree and then to open our gifts from each other afterwards. Because I really wanted to believe that there was a Santa Claus who could mend my broken heart each and every year that you weren’t in my arms”

Tears rained down his cheek as he hid his face within the hollow of my neck in order to hide those same tears. However…I knew that his own words had gotten to him for I felt those same tears that he was trying to hide as their coldness pressed against the heat of my skin. I was quickly losing my own battle with my tears as his words played over and over in my head. He loved me…he had loved me and wanted to be only with me. Finally losing the battle my own tears began to rain down my face as I placed my hand upon the side of his face…removing him from his safety.

“How is it that one minute you can be the biggest shit known to man and then the next the biggest romantic” I chuckled despite my tears…because there were tears of pure and utter joy.

“Just one of the many sides of Brian” he laughed back…his eyes taking on a glimmer that I had never seen there before. “Besides…it just makes you love me all the more”

“I do love you…I love you so much Brian” I whispered…gazing into those same shimmering eyes of green that spoke of his returned love to my very soul. “I’ve loved you for to many years to count and I will always love you” I don’t remember how long we danced there together and neither one of us cared because all that mattered was being as close together as possible. I couldn’t believe how wonderful my life had turned out since Brian and I had come together that first time we made love. I felt as if I was a purely different person…as if my life had started again from the most important of days and I know that he felt the same. There were many Christmas’s after that one…many happy and joyous ones…but none of them more special and important then our first shared as lovers.

The End…


End file.
